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Harold's One And Only/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Ever notice how most dogs don't understand the concept "full"? They just keep eatin' until they finish whatever it is you put in front of them. That's because the average canine in dog years is about the same age as a middle aged man -- or as we call them: The buffet years. Come on, fella. The question is, wouldn't it be great if you could put out a whole week's worth of dog food without having to refill the bowl every day? The answer's obvious. Get yourself an old car with a retractable sunroof. You can pick these up pretty cheap from a middle aged bald guy with a sunburn where his hair used to be. All you need is the roof. The rest you can sell as a convertible, maybe to the bald guy's wife. She's probably lookin' to trade up. Just dish out a week's worth of dog food into that giant salad bowl you got as a wedding present and never used. Once rover's done with it, you never will. Just slide the dish under the sunroof so the dog can't get at the food unless the unit is open. And sure, yeah, I could open the sunroof manually, but I got a better idea. I've hooked up the on/off mechanism to this solar powered calculator. Oh sure, the solar panel's pretty small on this unit, but that's okay, because once I place her in this window sill, she's only gonna catch the sun from, say, 10:00 to roughly 10:02. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] all right! Oh, ho, ho! Okay, thanks very much. Appreciate it. Oh, yeah. Okay then. You know how we all have sentences that you never thought you'd say? Things like, I'll have the vegetarian lasagna; or, it was my fault; or, not tonight. Well, here's another one... Harold's having girl problems. [ audience reacts ] yeah. Yeah. Well, harold's got this girlfriend, bonnie -- you know harold. He always goes overboard. And if he goes overboard with bonnie, I just wanna make sure he's wearing a life jacket. [ cheers and applause ] what a beautiful day. Uh-huh, you and bonnie been necking, harold? I do not kiss and tell. Your face does. Yeah, you guys should leave your glassed on when you're smoochin'. You could lose an eye. Bonnie kisses way better than any other woman. How many women have you kissed? My mom. See, that's what bothers me, harold. You don't have enough experience with women. It bothers me too, believe me. See, it's because you're focussed too much on bonnie. You should be dating other girls. Ha! That sounds crazy to me. You should be dating other girls, you never heard that before? Yeah, but only from other girls I've asked out. No, no, see, harold, if you spend too much time too soon with bonnie, well, something could happen. You know what I'm talkin' about? Every time I'm with her, I do get a big hint. Okay. Okay. All right. That means you agree with me. You guys should kinda cool it for a little while. Now, you wanna tell her, or do you want me to tell her? No, no, no! Not you. Not you. I'll tell her. I can tell her. I'll simply say, bonnie... I'll tell her. No, I'll tell her. I can tell her. I can tell her. It's not that big a -- what am I telling her? [ applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game. [ cheers and applause ] tonight's prize is this coupon for a romantic dinner for two at the drive-thru window of the burger barrel. You'll enjoy a four-course meal... Burgers, fries, onion rings, and pepto-bismol. All right, dalton, cover your ears. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get dalton to say this word... Yeah, all right, winston. And... Go! Uh, okay, dalton, you got a ring and you got two people fightin' like crazy. Marriage. No, uh, no, no. These are pros, okay, and they have gloves, and they have mouth guards, and people pay to watch 'em punch each other out. Hockey players. No, no. Okay, no. Okay, you got two guys doin' this. Two guys goin' like this. Maraca players? Almost outta time, here, red. Yeah, uh... Okay, okay. Dalton, some men wear briefs; other men wear... Well, how would I know? Wait, how do you know?! Come on, dalton, you know this one. This is like baggy underwear. You know, not the tighty whities you and I wear. I mean, these are shorts. Wh-wh -- you mean trunks? Only boxers wear trunks! There we go. [ applause ] announcer: A bold new reality program comes to television. Twelve lucky women will enter a fairy tale, a chance to live in the lap of luxury with the man of their dreams. A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to embrace the good life. This fall 12 women will compete to win the ultimate bachelor. Handsome, connected, heir to a multi-million-dollar fortune. Winston rothschild is... Because reality sucks. You know every man has a mountain of some kind to face in his life. If he's a single guy, the mountain is probably laundry. But with the single load capacity of these machines, this is an all-day job. And "all day" and "job" are two things I never like to see in the same sentence. What we need is a washer and dryer large enough to handle all the laundry at once, assuming we won't care about mixing our whites in with our colours, and that's a pretty safe assumption. That's why today I'm going to build a multi-load washer dryer. My laundry's like cargo, but I'm gonna use a car that doesn't go. Actually, I recommend a hatchback. Hey, look, it's the hatchback of notre dame. Okay, first thing you wanna do is remove all the seats from the vehicle, using whatever tool you have handy. I guess that's me. You wanna get an even distribution of water throughout the wash cycle, so cover the interior with as many of these lawn sprinklers as you can find. My neighbours all water their lawns at night, so getting these sprinklers is pretty easy. That's not funny, harold! Now, this vehicle has a sunroof. So she makes an excellent top loading model. Just jam all your clothes in here. Don't worry about overloading the machine. You know, I once saw 15 clowns get out of a vehicle this size. Sadly, 16 had gotten in. But they dedicated the world record to him. Why do clown stories always involve death? Okay, sock the laundry detergent in there. Hey, these things really do let the 'sunlight' in. Remember the fab four? Well, this is what the fab's for. Oh, tide's comin' in. In fact, I'll just -- all right, harold. All right! Okay, we got our sprinklers runnin' there, and I hooked the hatchback up to the possum van with a tow bar. Then I stuck a concrete block behind the rear wheel. That'll allow me to do a little agitatin'. I've always been good at that. If my van is rockin', I'm probably bleachin' my underwear. Okay, now we have to drain the washer before turning it into a dryer. That's where the hatchback comes in handy. Done. This floor mat is my sheet of fabric softener. Okay, now, for the drying, I really need to generate some hot air. So I turned the heater on full, and then I drained the rad. Then you just start her up. And it's just that easy. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for the spin cycle. "dry clean only." [ applause ] the other day I'm driving down the highway there, and I see a guy nearly miss his exit. So he cuts across five lanes of traffic to make it to the other side. I thought I was going to end up on the other side too. The final other side. The one with the pearly gates and my old dog porky, who got crushed by a runaway wheel of cheese. This guy couldn't take the next exit and come back, because an extra four minutes out of his day was apparently worth more than the rest of my life. Then yesterday, I'm at the express checkout lane at the supermarket, and the old guy in front of me with 97 items realises he's forgotten to buy a watermelon. So he disappears back into the store while I stand there thinking about what he can do with that watermelon when he gets back. The common theme here is that some of us seem to have forgotten an important concept. And it can be summed up in two words... Too late. Don't ever be afraid to tell yourself it's too late to do something. Too late is your friend, because you never know when your selfishness might tick off the wrong person. Someone with anger management issues and a firearm. Then it could be you in front of those pearly gates playing fetch with porky. Oh, sure, by that point you're sorry. Guess what? Too late. Remember, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] you need a sewage guy you can grow old with, because remember, your sense of smell is the last thing to go. Okay, it's been four hours since harold went over to tell bonnie that they're seein' too much of each other. By this point they're probably seein' all of each other. Boy, there's a scary visual. Come right in. Come right in. [ muttering to each other ] the two of you might wanna cut back on the sugar intake. Hello, mr. Green. Hello, bonnie. Harold and I had a little talk. Well, I'm glad to hear that. And harold said you have something you wanted to tell me. Let's say I wanna buy a car, and the only dealership in the area is a yugo dealership. That means that I'm gonna end up with a yugo, right? I love yugos! Me too! I love yugos! No, no, no. No, that's not the point. You gotta make an informed decision, which means you gotta look at all your options. Mm-hmm. I love yugos! Bonnie, I think my uncle's trying to help us avoid making a mistake. He's saying maybe we stop seeing each other for a little while -- just a little while. See how it works out. See if we really care about each other. Exactly. Well, if you say so, harold. I mean, we could try it. We could stop seeing each other for like... An hour. A day. A month. A week. All right. Because we don't want to get together just out of convenience. I guess not. No, because that's what my aunt bernice did, and... Red: The boys are out on a summer's day, looking for a different beach. And they were just cruisin' along, and bill was feeding harold, keeping him happy in the back seat there. And they saw a sign that they had never seen before. 'course they didn't realise the sign had a little more to it than that. So now we're operating under what we call false pretenses, which pretty well describes their entire lives. So walter and bill just can't get out of the car fast enough. Scramble up and see what's going on at the nude beach. And harold has a little more common sense and, you know, fair play. He says, hey, guys. Hey, hey, hey. You gotta be one to see one. So now they gotta make a decision. Are you gonna or not or not... Or... Okay, they're gonna go for it. All right. Decided to pay the price. Harold has a great idea. They've got some toys and so on they can use to cover up some of the embarrassing bits. And the rubber duckie and even using the cooler there. And there was one of those pop-out pup tent things. And, uh, so walter grabs a cooler, and he takes the bottom out of her it'll be just like shorts really. And bill's got the rubber duck unit there, which I believe he got on prescription. And of course harold, then, is left with the tent, which is one of these spring jobs. I think it's going to be large enough to cover everything harold's embarrassed about. So now next thing you know, over the hill comes the three musketeers. And about now they realise, hey wait a minute, this isn't a nude beach at all. Those are families. There's one kid playin' catch, and he kinda takes offence to way they're not dressed, so he fires -- oh! Firing rocks at 'em, boy. Oh, boy! Oh! There goes another one. So harold decides to high-tail it out of there. Of course, by this time, the car has been illegally parked for a while and has attracted a cop. Once she sees the way they're not dressed, uh, the ticket takes on a whole new level. This is not just gonna be a fine. This one's gonna involve taki'' a little trip downtown, because it's gonna have to be appearing in court. Says right on there. See: "summons to appear in court." so bill doesn't doesn't take this as seriously as he should have. He just kinda uses it as his bathing suit. And once she got a glimpse of that, she changed it to read: "small claims"! [ applause ] [ car chugging ] you hear that? That's called run-on. Old cars do that a lot. So do old guys. At both ends. I've tried everything to fix it. Well, everything free, that is. But now I've decided to turn the run-on from a liability into an asset. See, when I shut the car off, it runs for exactly... [ car stops chugging ] 23 seconds. I figure that should be just about perfect. Okay, got my tent all rolled up and mounted on the roof of the car. When I pull this rope, that tent'll drop faster than the canadian dollar during a quebec election. First, I'll shut the car off, which means she'll run for exactly 23 seconds which is just about the right amount of time to inflate my tent. Or as I call it, my inflatable garage. Okay, we're into the fourth day of bonnie withdrawal. It's goin' okay. I mean, it's a one day at a time thing. But it's goin' okay. It's not easy, believe me. Okay, uncle red! Come on, we gotta go! You said you were going to take me to the botanical gardens so we can see the forsythia in bloom. Then we have to go down to the electronics store, because I wanna get a new mp3 player, right. It's not easy, believe me. And of course we have to go to the library, but we have to hurry, because that closes at 8:00. We're not going to the library, harold. That's all the way up in port asbestos. No, we'll go to the library in possum lake. We have a library? Where's that? Right next to the liquor store. No kidding. Harold! What's wrong? I'm not supposed to see you, bonnie. What's goin' on? It's only four days. I got a message from pookie. He said it was an emergency. I thought you were sick. Your voice sounded all scratchy. No! Well, I don't know what that's all about. Since you're here anyway, you two might as well get back together. Ah! [ stammering ] kisses! Kisses! Kisses! [ possum squealing ] I can't. I gotta go to the meeting. No, no, harold. You go with bonnie. Really? Oh, yes! Oh, yes, harold. We'll go to the botanical gardens first... I'll get the door. I'll get the door. I'll get the door. [ applause ] okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting and I hope I'll find you in an affectionate mood. [ as harold ] 'cause it's an emergency! [ nerdy laugh ] to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and pookie and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] everybody sit down. Sit down, everybody. You gotta sit down. Hurry up. Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. All right, harold's not at the meeting tonight, because I think he's in love. So let's have two minutes silence. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com